I had not heard of Red Skelton before, but after coming across this list of ‘one-liners’ from the popular American comedian/entertainer, I sure wish I had!

Skelton, who died in 1977, was best known for performing on the radio and television between 1937 and 1971, as well as hosting the tv program “The Red Skelton Show”.

This is a popular list of some of his one-liners about marriage in particular. To me, every single one is gold.


Sure, if you’re a woman you have to have a sense of humor to appreciate some of these, and not be too sensitive.

Here is Red Skelton’s “Recipe for a Perfect Marriage”.

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas..

3. I take my wife everywhere….but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!’ So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, ‘In the lake.’

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months I don’t like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust!’

Share with everyone you know who has a great sense of humor, too!

What do you think ?